Shit-mas

Christmas on Bay-watch

I consider myself to be an official Grinch of Christmas, which I'm very proud of.

Christmas has become somewhat of a retailers dream recently. With the ability to charge thrice as much for a product due to a name change [merely adding the word 'festive'], most retailers, supermarkets and thrift stores can make plenty more cash to last them their winter hibernation. It would seem that around Christmas time people suddenly turn into Ray Mears trekking out into below zero degree temperatures to spend more money than they have for, seemingly, no reason at all. Several hundreds of thousands of people will go into substantial amounts of financial doo-doo because everyone else is.


Sometime ago, Christmas apparently had some meaning, but over the past few centuries it seems to have faded away completely. The likes of Elves, Santa Clause and Jesus, all the Christmas fictional characters have no relevance to the actual spirit of Christmas.


Here's the part where I'm supposed to rant about things that happen on Christmas day that annoy people. Unfortunately, I've never had a Christmas in my life due to my Jehovah's Witness parents, I'm going to have to piece this together from the occasional seasonal Simpson's episode and the Home Alone series.

As far as I'm aware, modern day household Christmas day, is somewhat hectic. Waking up to the screaming of younger children that can't wait to receive their presents from Satan, cleverly disguised as Mr Claus[he actually teleports into the fire from hell], so they can run next-door and gloat to the less fortunate children, who received the same pair of socks at last time, that mysteriously went missing 2 weeks before Christmas day.

Joys, present are over. The parents have picked up the cards from the mantle piece that got knocked off when the cat shat itself when the tree set on fire, so it's time for the meal... overcooked tree Turkey, pigs in blankets, lots of sauces etc. etc. All courtesy of Iceland, naturally. After the family, friends and pets have finished gorging themselves on the only family meal they've had all year, they'll sit back, and watch the most brain melting Christmas films that have managed to make it on tele in the winter period, trying desperately not to barf all over the recently calmed cat or remains of tree.

Slowly over the evening everybody becomes plastered, and decides that Christmas songs should be sang well into the early hours of boxing day, until they pass out from exhaustion.

After that all that's left to do is, tidy the house, clean up the charred tree and melted fairy lights, convince the cat to come back, earn last years wages back whilst trying to survive and remain clothed....

...until next year, of course.

X-Rated

Let me apologise for the time it took me to develop the inspiration to write this rant. During my research of watching the x-factor I was put into a severe coma of which several leading doctors didn't think I'd awaken from.

X-factor, basically the equivalent of pissing in an ocean of piss only minutes after learning how to piss by watching Pop Idol piss in it first.

I, as you may have noticed, take my music very seriously. I have a very eclectic music taste which includes the likes of underground hip-hop to death (I will eat your kittens) metal. So to all you people who just think I'm a metal head who never gave pop music a chance... I did, and it's still god awful.


As far as I see it, the x-factor takes people with vocal talent that could go far and people that are completely deluded, and makes them sing on television for shits and giggles. The ones that CAN sing then go onto a stage and sing ruin other artists songs for the same deluded people they competed against previously. Followed by a public vote to determine which one pleased the happy fool in the audience, that persistently heckled the presenter, Dermot O'leary whenever he comes on stage, the most.


The two people with the least votes then have a 'sing off', which sounds as though they're going to be forcefully attacking each other with squealing noises to the tunes of decent enough songs. However, it's a lot less exciting than that. They simply sing another song and then the 'greatest minds' of the music industry, Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole and Dani Minouge, who's total accomplishments is a few bad bands and some awful over-produced tracks, pass their almighty judgement upon them and they get escorted outside by Simon's henchmen and killed by firing squad.


Certain winners and contestants that managed to narrowly avoid the painful death that awaited them, become celebrities and have hordes of fan-girls, usually aged 10-14, follow them around the streets asking for autographs and fingernails. A prime example of this was last years x-factor winner, Joe Mcelderry. Several of my close companions actually went to a gathering of other fan-girls, most likely to perform voodoo acts to try and make time reverse to he could attempt to claim the patented Christmas #1 chart topper prize, which until that year had been virtually guaranteed to the respective years x-factor winner. But due to the tenacity of the musically minded Rage Against The Machine fans, he was stripped of this luxury, and forced into the #2 spot. [Get in.]


Another example would be the infamous John and Edward, or less formally known as, 'Jedward'. They made their claim to fame by being annoying, bad at singing and having hair tall at the front and small everywhere else, which quite frankly looks ridiculous. They now advertise what looks like an equally annoying Nintendo DS game. Enough said.


In a rather large nutshell; X-factor has ruined the small percentage of the music industry that still thrived on the true music fans, by clogging it with more and more useless pop groups/artists that all sound remarkably similar. All of which spew large piles of gold into Simon's swollen wallet, for him to blow on houses in the sun and asian hookers.